Friday, August 21, 2009

An Open Letter to the Girl that Flirts Online With My Husband


We've never met, but I couldn't help but notice you've recently moved into my house and have been sending hugs and smiley faces to my husband. Yes, I know that you really only reside in my husband's computer, or, what my daughter likes to refer to as "The Wiggles Box", but I'm observant.

And what I've observed is you being an Internet whorey slutterton.

A I.W.S. if you will.

I don't cotton to I.W.S.s.

Especially Canadian ones.

Quite frankly've got no idea who you're comin' up against.

I fight demon Sesame Street toys that don't make noise when you press the buttons and THEN MAKE ALL KINDS OF CRAZY HAUNTED TYPE SOUNDS WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND! That's right! I've taken on possessed Bert-now what? Also, I was a cheerleader in high school (captain Junior and Senior year) and if THAT experience taught me anything is how to mess with another girl's self esteem.

I think I might harbor the ability to kill someone's soul.

But all that aside-if you really want him...really, really want him, please by all means, come on down. But I have a secret to tell you...come here.

Super close.

Are you ready?

He has ear hair and its just getting longer everyday.

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